23 November 2004

Old Hokey's Field Guide (part 3)

So here it comes, the nastiest most horrible creature ever (well sort of).

1. The Bob-bob

No, not this one. This is possibly the most harmless water bird you'll ever get the pleasure to meet. A very sweet and loving animal, it gets its name from the bobbing motion of its head as it sifts through the water and mud looking for food.

2. The Lesser-spotted Trundlewhoop

And this one isn't it either. The Lesser-spotted Trundlewhoop, however, is a peculiar bird that has great difficulty in getting airborn. They can be quite vicious when in a group, especially if you laugh at their pathetic attempts to fly. They're known to spit and curse like a coven of rabid witches, and can give you quite a fright if caught unawares. As its name suggests, this bird is quite rare in these parts, although you might have seen its close relative, the Very Frequently Spotted Trundlewhoop, grazing in a field near you.

3. The Shifty Skood

This one really isn't that nasty at all, although it does look quite furtive, as it's name suggests. The Shifty Skood is an odd creature, that's often seen lurking in shadows or hiding in the backgrounds of photos. These unfortunate creatures always look like they're up to no good, when in fact they're probably just out for a morning stroll. The Skood's great beak signifies its relationship to the common owl, and it's possibly because of this that it lacks the intelligence to change people's view of it. I'm sure they'd make nice friends given half the chance.

4. The Scabbitt

And here is the nastiest creature I've ever laid eyes on. The Scabbitt - horrible, horrible creature. If you ever find one of these lounging in your living room, be prepared to consider it as not your living room any more. This nasty beast will wait till you leave the house and then rearrange your furniture to disorientate you. They bite things, chew them up and then vomit it all out again, while burping, farting and generally being a great big nuisance. And boy, will it eat you out of house and home.

So how do you rid yourself of them? Scabbitt traps. Big, hefty and very sharp Scabbitt traps. And there can be nothing in this world that will make you happier than catching this little monster...